The Topic No One Wants to Talk About .... miscarriage.

Miscarriages are something so common, but for some reason no one talks about them. Maybe it’s because for most people, the emotional side is too much.

I have been blessed with three easy pregnancies (not deliveries, but that’s another story). Other than morning sickness, I did not really have any issues while pregnant. And I can honestly say I never understood what women go through with miscarriages, nor did I ever think it would happen to me.

A little over a year ago, we found out I was pregnant with baby #4. This was a total shock for me, because my first three were planned. So, no, I was not happy about it at first. Which meant I did not share the news with many people, unlike my other three, which I shared right after finding out. I felt like a terrible person, how could I not be happy about a blessing that many people struggle to have?! I couldn’t imagine adding another member to our little family, because everything felt perfect just the five of us.

Things from the beginning were not as easy as my other three pregnanies. My hCG levels were not matching my last menstrual cycle, so an ultrasound was performed, which showed some type of blood pocket above the baby. I was told sometimes your body absorbs it, and other times it causes problems, so a follow up ultrasound was ordered. I truly believed my body was going to absorb it, I guess because I never had any problems in the past, I just thought everything would be fine.

So, a few weeks later I went to my follow up, with my oldest son (he was 6 at the time). I was 9 weeks pregnant, and of course, had morning sickness just like all my other pregnancies. So I couldn’t believe the news I was about to receive....

I can still hear the techs voice saying “Katelyn, I don’t see a heart beat”. As she left the room to get the doctor, I began to panic, tears rolling down my face as I texted my husband, parents, and sister. My son kept asking me questions that I could not answer, because I myself did not know what was happening. The doctor came in and looked over the images, confirmed what the tech had told me, and told me to get dressed and meet him in his office. As I sat in front of his desk sobbing, he let me know it’s nothing I did, and that this is just something that happens. He then told me I would need to have surgery(a DC&E), because my body was acting as though I was still pregnant. The miscarriage I had, was called a missed miscarriage. Which is something else I did not know about miscarriages, there are different types.

I spent the next couple days with many questions. Even though the doctor said it was nothing I did, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was something I did. Could it be all the anxiety I was suffering from, putting too much stress on myself and the baby? Could it be because I was so negative and questioned having a 4th child? Did they miss the heart beat .... maybe the baby really is okay. I was still suffering morning sickness, which made me really question if I really did miscarry.

The thought of surgery terrified me. Even though everyone told me it was an easy procedure, my mind always goes to worse case scenario. And I told myself I was going to die.

My procedure ended up being later in the day, so I had to sit and worry the entire day. Though I hadn’t been eating or really drinking, I spent the day vomiting, dry heaving, and crying from the anxiety. When I saw my doctor, I did request another ultrasound to ensure that my baby really was gone. And even though they confirmed, for whatever reason, I still could not believe it.

After my DC&E, I had some cramping, but nothing terrible. Before being discharged I asked to use the bathroom, and while trying to urinate I had a terrible burning. When I came out of the bathroom I told them I felt really hot, and before I knew it they said I was blue and pale and they took me back to the hospital bed where they found all my vitals dropped tremendously. After laying down for awhile longer, they sent me on my way. I was super nervous because of the episode I had, I did not want to go home and pass out, or die.

Many emotions ran through my head the days after my surgery, and still do over a year later. But, I now understand all the women who go through miscarriages, and how strong they are.

I am blessed to have had my parents, sister, and amazing husband by my side to help me through. And I am so thankful for them and my three beautiful babies.

If you have gone through the devastation of a miscarriage, don’t be afraid to reach out and get help. It’s important to not go through this alone.