Ugh, New York ....

I guess when most females hear New York they are more than happy to go. When I hear it, I have no desire to explore. I have been to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania for my husband's doctors appointments and the tight streets and people and cars everywhere were too much for me. Other than a cookie dough place I saw online once that is in New York, there is really nothing I want to see there, and the thought of the Big City gives me major anxiety.

So, heres the point of this blog ...

My sister is getting married, and I'm beyond excited to be the Matron of Honor! As every one knows, with weddings comes bridal showers and bachelorette parties of course. I guess I should start by telling you my sister and I are very close, but we are also very different. I love the farm life, and she loves the city love. She is into fashion and make up; I wake up, throw my hair up, and put on a t-shirt and comfortable pants. As I stated when I began, I have never been interested in visiting New York ... it's so crowded and expensive. I'm also not really into the "night life", and I don't drink much, oh, and I CANNOT dance. I prefer to spend my nights watching one of my favorite reality TV shows, or sitting by a camp fire.

With that being said, I made bachelorette party plans (as I thought that was my duty as the Matron of Honor) that I thought had something for everyone involved. We were going to take a pole dancing class (which is a little out of my comfort zone, but thought it could be fun), and then check into a near by hotel that has a casino. The hotel also has restaurants, a bar, shopping, and a spa. Since everything was in the same building, I could always go back to the hotel room whenever I felt I needed to while everyone else continued to enjoy themselves. Everything was booked and I was excited to have a night out since I spend almost all of my time with my three littles. About two weeks later my sister let us know she could not get off work that weekend, so we had to cancel. My sister lives out of state, which can make making plans difficult, so I figured we would just do something low-key while she was home sometime since she was having trouble getting off work.

All of a sudden, instead of moving my plans to another weekend, or doing something low-key, another bridesmaid decided we would go to New York for a weekend. I felt I couldn't really put my input in, because another bridesmaid was totally on-board, and my sister was excited. So, I stayed quiet in the group message while they all went back and fourth ... and I panicked.

While I want to make my sister happy and not stress her out, this change sent me into a tail spin. This was HER time, and I wanted to make her happy ... but this was really hard for me.

My anxiety kicked in and sent me into a cycle and I sobbed the entire day. Going to New York makes me anxious itself, then you add in going with girls that I barely know (even if they are very nice). If I'm anxious or uncomfortable I can't just go off on my own. I have also never spent a day without my two year old daughter, and now I will be away two nights. With my husband being the only provider, money is tight and New York isn't in the budget. I can't help but think about how things usually are when I have gone out in the past ... every one drinking a lot and dancing and talking, while I sit mostly quiet and feeling awkward.

Now, don't get me wrong, I totally understand why my sister wants me to go. 1. I'm her Matron of Honor. 2. She wants me to step out of my comfort zone and explore something new, and something she loves.

Part of my anxiety and depression is low self-esteem and feeling like everyone hates me and is against me. So the fact that my plans got changes also makes me feel like shit (sorry to use that word, but thats the best way I can put it).

So, I continue with my internal arguing for probably the next month until the trip comes. I REALLY don't want to go and feel very uncomfortable, but also REALLY want my sister to be happy. Either decision will make me feel terrible, because I'm either making myself uncomfortable and anxious, or disappointing my sister.